The SNP To Start Selling Branded Coffins

Due to the highly successful and uncontroversial release of their facemasks, the SNP have decided to start selling their own brand of unique coffins.

Available in ‘canary yellow’, ‘Yes Saltire blue’, ‘MacDiarmid White Rose’ and ‘Tartan’ the coffins are also lined with headlines from The National and stocked with copies of former SNP election manifestos from 1970 – 2017. The deluxe version also has a direct link to voter registration for the discerning indy supporter who wants to cast their vote for the SNP in any forthcoming elections. 

SNP Brand Manager and Literature Officer, Odhran Fulton, said: ‘Given the amazing success of our Facemasks, the SNP funeral casket seemed the next big evolution of our political brand for the freedom-loving Scot. Being dead isn’t an excuse to stop supporting indyref2. The dream will never die, even if you do’.

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Face Masks Now Mandatory At Sturgeons Press Conferences

Due to the unprecedented volume of hot air being exhaled by Nicola Sturgeon at her ‘Covid Conferences’, all those in attendance have been advised to wear a facemask when they are in close proximity to the First Minister.

Professor of Political Bullshit at St Andrew’s University, Harley Gillies, said that ‘atmospheric concentrations of heated air have been reaching toxic levels around the First Minister, so much so that a facemask is not only recommended anymore but mandatory for all those near her. As well as offering protection from hot air, the mask may also offer some limited protection from patronising and paternalistic words that are also toxic to the Scottish people, despite the tolerance they have built up since March 2020’.

‘Even the two-meter social distancing rule seems to be ineffective. People have reported feeling woozy, nauseous, dizzy, with a general sense of authoritarian unease at the press conferences. So stay safe, stay away from the First Minister if you can’.

Professor Gillies added that he would like to study this phenomenon further at his lab in St Andrews University, but that Nicola Sturgeon hasn’t left Edinburgh since early December 2019.

The Scottish Resistance To Organise Hot Tub Sit-In Protest

Fresh from valiantly manning the Scottish/English border where their noble, eternal and deathless (Well, 5 hours) vigil to defend Scotland from suspected Covid-19 infested English tourists was met with ridicule, a slap on the wrist from Police Scotland and their Dear Leader even disowning them, the ‘Scottish Resistance’ is now planning to update their plans in the light of new information they have received.

Spokesman, Rudi McDougall said ‘Apparently, the covid-19 outbreak in the borders was actually caused by a Jacuzzi party near Dumfries, rather than Covid-infested Sassanach’s from rUK like we had assumed. So now we are going to squeeze our heavy, hairy, lion Rampant tattooed, unwashed bodies into a hot-tub, preferably one made in Scotland, in order to alert our fellow Scots to the dangers of these disgusting Covid cess-pools. Plus, that drive to Gretna really tired me out. I haven’t been that close to the English Border since I was at the Nike outlet in Gretna Gateway to get some new tracksuits’. 

Teddie Henderson of the British confederation of Jacuzzi salesmen has reported that after the ‘Scottish Resistance’ were spotted in a hot-tub, sales throughout the UK have plummeted by 267% in the last week alone.

New Name For ‘No’ Voter Discovered By Scottish Separatist

So, you voted ‘No’ in 2014. You’ve probably been called a ‘Tory’, even though you may never have voted Conservative in your life and perhaps never would. Chances are, you’ve been called a ‘Quisling’ for voting to keep your nation as a single political and economic entity. You’ve most definitely been called a ‘Yoon’ at some point. You, rather impolitely, may have been referred to as a ‘Nawbag’ by certain vulgar secessionist groups online. However, have you ever been called a ‘Tunnock’ before? I’m guessing not. Well, you have now, you ‘Tunnock’.

New Nationalist TV Channel Launched

Given the roaring success that is BBC Scotland (audience share 0.11% ), the separatists have decided to launch their own satellite TV service that only lets you view official programming sanctioned by the party machine of the SNP.

Highlights include Planet Earth: Scotland Edition narrated by Sean Connery, Great Scottish Railway Journeys (Sponsored by Scotrail. May be subject to change or cancellation at short notice). Finally, Garden Watch: Glasgow Southside where live footage is beamed directly from Nicola Sturgeon’s constituency, so you can watch the neglect in real-time.

A nervous SNP party spokesman said, ‘with this new satellite receiving equipment, Scotland moves another step closer to independence, um, despite the machinations of Westminster’.

Nationalist Angry At Cheese

Imagine the scenario. You’re at a Christmas market. The delightful smell of cooked meat and mulled wine permeates the festive atmosphere. The bustle of crowds and the gentle tinkling of tiny metallic, candle powered windmills is everywhere. It’s late November and a refreshing cold nips at your face as the pallid light from the winter sun gradually turns to darkness. You drain the last from your cup of spiced tea. Today is not a day for hate or politics.

You approach a charming looking stall. A cheesemonger in fact. A broad selection of cheese is in front of you. The producers even have one called ‘True Scot’ that tastes of Irn Bru in a cheeky nod to the regional market.

All of a sudden a blind rage comes upon you. The day’s festivities have been for nought, forgotten in an instance. You feel flushed as your heart rate rises at an alarming and erratic rate. You have just spotted the ‘Butchers Apron’, the union jack, the flag of the ‘Wastemonster’ elite on the cheese and you’re a Scottish nationalist, the worst kind. You’ve spent years boycotting products associated with the UK, dreaming you’re part of an oppressed minority while buying stuff from other places that indulge in horrific violations of human dignity on a regular basis.

And now a private company, based in the UK has the temerity to promote the fact that its products are made in the UK; in the middle of ‘freedom’ square (George to the rest of us) none the less!! Tunnocks are already a pariah to you along with M&S, David Bowie, Bank of Scotland and ASDA. ‘Yoon’ quislings the lot of them.

Just like William Wallace, except with a bitter and nonsensical Twitter account, you get into an argument with the stallholder who claims that you live in a part of the UK. You flash your yellow ‘45’ badge at them and storm off having thus embarrassed yourself and made everyone else feel awkward.

You later tweet about this experience to vacuous and demented ‘goldfish bowl’ applause on social media. Welcome to ‘Sturgeons Scotland’ 2019, everyone!!

Big Support for SNP in Irvine

The ‘CunninghameSouth SNP’ Twitter account is stretching the bounds of credulity and logic with their claim of ‘Big support’ in Irvine on the 23rd of November.

Scotland Matters has forensically analysed the picture below in a similar manner to CSI and we have also consulted the Oxford English Dictionary.

Frankly, we have now concluded that it is perhaps, at best, a mere ‘smattering’ or perhaps a ‘smidgen’ of support. If we were feeling generous, then it might even be a ‘modicum’, but most definitely not ‘big.’

Tam McGleish, SNP supporter said: ‘There were at least 1.2 million people in George Square at the last rally. No joke. Derek Mckay counted them all up’.

Scottish Border Patrol Force

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has inaugurated Scotlands first border patrol force today at a ceremony near Gretna. ‘The Alba Rapid Security Enforcement or A.R.S.E will patrol from Dumfries to Berwick-upon-Tweed 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with only St Andrews Day off to celebrate our patron saint’ the First Minister said. She went on, ‘with this new force, our borders will ever be secure from the insidious Saxon, Roman and Viking. Make no mistake, Scotland will be closed off from the world and communicable disease. Neither man nor microbe shall pass this tartan hem’.    

Force Commander, Reuben Rankin, drawn from the Universal Credit division of the Brigadoon regiment said that he is proud to be part of such an elite and professional border force just as soon as he gets a number of financial ‘discrepancies’ cleared with the UK based Department for Work and Pensions first who have somehow been stealing ‘his oil’ for the best part of forty years.