Nationalist Angry At Cheese

Imagine the scenario. You’re at a Christmas market. The delightful smell of cooked meat and mulled wine permeates the festive atmosphere. The bustle of crowds and the gentle tinkling of tiny metallic, candle powered windmills is everywhere. It’s late November and a refreshing cold nips at your face as the pallid light from the winter sun gradually turns to darkness. You drain the last from your cup of spiced tea. Today is not a day for hate or politics.

You approach a charming looking stall. A cheesemonger in fact. A broad selection of cheese is in front of you. The producers even have one called ‘True Scot’ that tastes of Irn Bru in a cheeky nod to the regional market.

All of a sudden a blind rage comes upon you. The day’s festivities have been for nought, forgotten in an instance. You feel flushed as your heart rate rises at an alarming and erratic rate. You have just spotted the ‘Butchers Apron’, the union jack, the flag of the ‘Wastemonster’ elite on the cheese and you’re a Scottish nationalist, the worst kind. You’ve spent years boycotting products associated with the UK, dreaming you’re part of an oppressed minority while buying stuff from other places that indulge in horrific violations of human dignity on a regular basis.

And now a private company, based in the UK has the temerity to promote the fact that its products are made in the UK; in the middle of ‘freedom’ square (George to the rest of us) none the less!! Tunnocks are already a pariah to you along with M&S, David Bowie, Bank of Scotland and ASDA. ‘Yoon’ quislings the lot of them.

Just like William Wallace, except with a bitter and nonsensical Twitter account, you get into an argument with the stallholder who claims that you live in a part of the UK. You flash your yellow ‘45’ badge at them and storm off having thus embarrassed yourself and made everyone else feel awkward.

You later tweet about this experience to vacuous and demented ‘goldfish bowl’ applause on social media. Welcome to ‘Sturgeons Scotland’ 2019, everyone!!

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