[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

With the recent fiasco over exam results continuing and the Scottish Government’s recent u-turn, Education Secretary John Swinney has said: ‘With the current recession, constant and endemic underemployment, and after nearly fifteen years of economic, social and cultural regression in Scotland under the SNP, I and my parliamentary colleagues thought it would be best to control the expectations of the next generation before it’s too late’. 

‘To this end, we have taken the hard decision to mark down pupils for living in the wrong postcode area or ones that want to become doctors, that sort of thing. I mean seriously, look at what we have done since 2007. Unfortunately, we can’t allow the next generation to have thoughts like coming of age in a functioning society with a broad-based economy and functioning services, at least not with us in charge’. 

Grade A pupil, Jasmine Knox, who was scheduled to get 6A’s but was marked down for living in Motherwell, said ‘I was meant to go to the University of Glasgow to study medicine, but the way the SNP is running the NHS, I don’t suppose it would have mattered anyway’.