Independent Scottish navy to consist of an angry Glaswegian in a canoe

Scottish Defence Expert, Jenson Downie, at the Brigadoon Institute for Scottish Studies said: ‘HMSS Independence can be deployed on both the Firth of Clyde and the Firth of Forth within ninety minutes or however long it takes the ‘man in a van’ to drive from Greenock to Leith. Once we sort out the insurance he can patrol the oil rigs in the North Sea as well, thus protecting our oil’. 

‘Once in the water, he can move at a steady one-knot pace along the coastline, refuelling at the nearest ‘Blue Lagoon’ chippy. 

‘When the Scottish Government gets the deficit sorted out we are hoping to get him a bigger canoe, with a double-ended paddle thus giving the Navy both a ‘brown’ and ‘blue’ water capability’.

‘We expect any amphibious assault to met with the threat to ‘kick their c#nts in’ delivered in ever-increasing salvos until the enemy retreats in disarray from the beachhead’.

‘Those two Royal Navy aircraft carriers with a complement of cutting edge F-35 combat aircraft, bristling with hi-tech weaponry were overrated anyway’.