Nicola Sturgeon is to Attend COP27 to Apologise for the SNP’s Emission of Hot Air.

The first minister said: ‘Let me be clear, I’m well aware of my government’s contribution to this pressing and global issue. Ian Blackford alone exhales enough hot air to heat the House of Commons six times over. I myself exhale the same C02 emissions as the now decommissioned Longannet power station on an annual basis. Mhairi Black causes sea levels around the UK to increase by 2 millimetres every time she talks in her ‘scoddish’ accent. This cannot continue as it is. I want to engage in a grown-up conversation about the dangers of my party’.

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In response, UN chief António Guterres replied that ‘even with the introduction of CO2 scrubbers in Holyrood, the situation is perilous for Scotland. After 15 years of hot air from the SNP, atmospheric C02 is unprecedented and the stifling levels show no sign of abating’.  

Sturgeon said she empathised with feelings of ‘clim-nat fatigue’, adding it was ‘easy to be cynical’ about the lack of action taken at meetings, including ones that she is in charge of. She added, ‘My priorities for Scotland are clear, mitigation measures such the nationalisation of Scot Rail and the dismantling of the ferry service to the Islands will see to it that thousands of tonnes of C02 are not released into the atmosphere. Likewise, my handling of the NHS has removed hundreds of ambulances from our roads’. 

‘I can assure the Scottish people that, unlike other nations, I will follow through with all my plans to make sure Scotland is incapable of emitting any carbon emissions at all in time for COP30’.