Nicola Sturgeon Denies Entire Existence of Alex Salmond

Nicola Sturgeon is now denying the entire existence of her predecessor Alex Salmond in an attempt to save the SNP from further embarrassment. 

When questioned on this she responded: ‘I can categorically say that I have never seen this man in my life. I have absolutely no idea who he is. I don’t even think he was a member of the SNP, not that I can keep track of these things. You should ask my husband, he deals with membership enquiries’.

However, an image of the two of them together during the independence referendum in 2014 seemed to jog her memory. ‘Oh, yeah. I met him once. Big guy, liked golf if I remember correctly. Enjoyed swinging that club. Fed that young woman an ice lolly in Stirling. He did some contractor work for the SNP. Bit of public speaking. Contributed a few pages to ‘Scotland’s Future’, those sorts of things. That was all though. Why?’.  

On being shown evidence that she was, in fact, his deputy from 2007 – 2014 and her party owes the bulk of electoral success to the man, she tersely responded: ‘Look, I worked under him, er, I mean with him for a couple of years. So what. Apart from almost daily contact, deputising for him during absences, constant meetings, being considered his political protege, inevitable successor and taking his job in 2014, I barely knew him at all’. 

Forbes-onomics: A Day at the Seaside

Forbes: “I want ice cream!”

Rishi: “But you just had ice cream.”

Forbes: “It wasn’t a lot, was it? If you had bought me a bit more, I wouldn’t need to ask now.”

Rishi: “Okay then, we’ll get you another cone. Here. Happy now?”

Forbes: “And where’s the flake?”

Rishi: “A flake?…very well … here you go.”

Forbes: “But this is useless. A cone! Did I ask for a cone? I want a tub. And I don’t like chocolate. It should be vanilla.”

Rishi: “Listen, you’ve got plenty of icecreams now. Enjoy it, will you?”

Forbes: “As if I could enjoy it when it’s not the right stuff. Tub! Now!! Vanilla!!”

Rishi: “Don’t behave like that!”

Forbes: “How patronising! You’re belittling me! You don’t care!”

Rishi: “Nonsense! Haven’t I paid for your icecream? Twice over?”

Forbes: “Are you saying, I haven’t got the money to buy my own ice cream?”

Rishi: “Well, you haven’t, have you? You’ve spent all your pocket money. I even pay for your fancy extras since you can’t make up your mind what you want.”

Forbes: “Ah, you think I’m not smart enough to know what’s right for me. You think I’m too wee, too poor, too stupid. You really are talking me down. How disrespectful! I have the right to take my own decisions. Enough is enough. From now on I’ll be free to buy my own ice cream!”

Rishi: “And from what money?”

Forbes: “The money in the jar with the unicorn on it.”

Rishi: “But that’s pretend money. The icecream shop won’t accept it.”

Forbes: “I can easily go without ice cream for a while until I’ve saved up some pocket money.”

Rishi: “Going without icecream? For a whole week? Really?”

Forbes: “Yeah, and even longer if I have to. Better no icecream and free than being shackled to YOUR wallet.”

Rishi: “Ok then – no more ice cream from now on. And since you don’t want to rely on my wallet any longer, there won’t be any more pocket money.”

Forbes: “Can I have pink ribbons for my hair?”

Rishi: “Look, Katie…”

Forbes: “It’s Kate…”

The Scottish Nationalist, 5-Level Alert System

Level 0 – Nearly Normal: You are a fairly normal human being. You vote along party political lines but are not overly attached to one political system. People do not avoid you. You use social media for light-hearted entertainment, staying in touch with family and sharing memes. You can be in the company of fifteen people from five households and not bore them to death.

Level 1 – First Warning Signs: You start to think Janey Godley is funny on occasion while still conceding her material is more ‘miss’ than ‘hit’.

Level 2 – Whit aboot Scotland?: Lingering and persistent thoughts of ‘oor oil’ materialise in your everyday thinking. SNP policies seem attractive even though they appear unanchored from the real world of economics and society. You seem to think that Scotland is underrepresented and powerless, despite having 59 seats in Westminster and a devolved parliament. Somehow you think you were part of the Jacobite Rebellion in 1745, despite missing the events by well over 250 years.

Level 3 – Obsession with Flags: You avoid buying everyday products that have the ‘butchers apron’ on them, and refuse to purchase a product because of imagined ‘human rights abuses’ in contemporary England, while willfully ignoring them in other parts of the world. Persistent thoughts of oppression and persecution are normalised. You may have boycotted Tunnocks and Markies within the last three months for some slight upon Scotland. Nicola Sturgeon could burn a kitten in a chrome bucket and there’s a 73% chance you would still vote SNP regardless.

Level 4 – Nationalist: You are an active participatory member of Facebook sites such as ‘How can it be treason when England is a foreign country’. Every other political party are henceforth known as the ‘Tories’ even though they could be at the opposite end of the political spectrum from the actual Conservative Party. You can only really meet with people of a similar political outlook, outside. That’s not a government guideline; it’s because no one else can be bothered with you.

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]