Independent Scottish navy to consist of an angry Glaswegian in a canoe

Given the number of budget cuts in a proposed, post-independence Scotland the proposed Scottish Navy is to be drastically reduced in size and capability to one angry Glaswegian in a canoe.

Scottish Defence Expert, Jenson Downie, at the Brigadoon Institute for Scottish Studies said: ‘HMSS Independence can be deployed on both the Firth of Clyde and the Firth of Forth within ninety minutes or however long it takes the ‘man in a van’ to drive from Greenock to Leith. Once we sort out the insurance he can patrol the oil rigs in the North Sea as well, thus protecting our oil’. 

‘Once in the water, he can move at a steady one-knot pace along the coastline, refuelling at the nearest ‘Blue Lagoon’ chippy. 

‘When the Scottish Government gets the deficit sorted out we are hoping to get him a bigger canoe, with a double-ended paddle thus giving the Navy both a ‘brown’ and ‘blue’ water capability’.

‘We expect any amphibious assault to met with the threat to ‘kick their c#nts in’ delivered in ever-increasing salvos until the enemy retreats in disarray from the beachhead’.

‘Those two Royal Navy aircraft carriers with a complement of cutting edge F-35 combat aircraft, bristling with hi-tech weaponry were overrated anyway’.

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

Kate Forbes to start selling sheep to reduce the deficit

At a recent Scottish Government finance meeting, in an attempt to reduce the £15 billion deficit that Scotland would have as an independent nation, the SNP have struck upon a plan that can only be described as ‘groundbreaking’, paradigm-shifting’, ‘revolutionary’ and the very definition of ‘blue-sky’, ‘out of the box’ thinking.

Finance Minister Kate Forbes said, ‘After reading about that sheep that was sold for £350,000, I thought, that’s it!! What a moneymaker!! You can forget ever-decreasing oil revenue, bi-lateral trade with rUK and applying for EU membership’.

‘All Scotland needs to do to clear the deficit is to sell a couple of million of these sheep. I couldn’t work out the exact number, I’m not that great at mental arithmetic, but at £350,000 a pop, you can’t go wrong’.

‘I’ve been speaking with my SNP colleague, Minister for Rural Affairs and the Natural Environment, Mairi Gougeon about how to breed sheep. She’s as knowledgeable about animal husbandry as I’am about Finance. She said that sheep bud off each other like yeast cells. This will stick it to Westminster’.

‘Wail until Nicola hears about this idea’.

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]