Nicola Sturgeon denies entire existence of Alex Salmond

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

Nicola Sturgeon is now denying the entire existence of her predecessor Alex Salmond in an attempt to save the SNP from further embarrassment.

When questioned on this she responded: ‘I can categorically say that I have never seen this man in my life. I have absolutely no idea who he is. I don’t even think he was a member of the SNP, not that I can keep track of these things. You should ask my husband, he deals with membership enquiries’.

However, an image of the two of them together during the independence referendum in 2014 seemed to jog her memory. ‘Oh, yeah. I met him once. Big guy, liked golf if I remember correctly. Enjoyed swinging that club. Fed that young woman an ice lolly in Stirling. He did some contractor work for the SNP. Bit of public speaking. Contributed a few pages to ‘Scotland’s Future’, those sorts of things. That was all though. Why?’  

On being shown evidence that she was, in fact, his deputy from 2007 – 2014 and her party owes the bulk of electorate success to the man, she tersely responded: ‘Look, I worked under him, er, I mean with him for a couple of years. So what. Apart from almost daily contact, deputising for him during absences, constant meetings, being considered his political protege, inevitable successor and taking his job in 2014, I barely knew him at all’. 

Rats in Nicola Sturgeon’s Constituency to Form Their Own Pro-indy Party

Following on from the formation of the Scotland for Independence party, the rats in Nicola Sturgeon’s run-down Glasgow Southside constituency have decided to throw their weight behind the independence movement and form their own progressive pro-independence party called ‘Fur for a Left European Alba’, or F.L.E.A. for short.

F.L.E.A Spokerat, Stuart Templeton, said: ‘Well, the rotting garbage, old couches, spoiled food and grime of SNP run Glasgow Southside are a paradise for us and Scotland isn’t even independent yet. Imagine what we could do when we finally break free from the iron boot of Westminster that has held us back for so long. Just think about what we can achieve. We have a broad range of policies and will be campaigning on a policy of free, non-means-tested rotting food for all rats and a 50%+1 referendum on the removal of all cats from the local area’. 

‘For this reason, we wholeheartedly support the cause of Scottish independence and are hoping to pick up a few ‘list’ seats at the Holyrood election in 2021’.

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

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Disappointment Over Scottish Exam Results Preparing Teenagers For A Life Under The SNP

[PLEASE NOTE THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF SCOTLAND MATTERS]

With the recent fiasco over exam results continuing and the Scottish Government’s recent u-turn, Education Secretary John Swinney has said: ‘With the current recession, constant and endemic underemployment, and after nearly fifteen years of economic, social and cultural regression in Scotland under the SNP, I and my parliamentary colleagues thought it would be best to control the expectations of the next generation before it’s too late’. 

‘To this end, we have taken the hard decision to mark down pupils for living in the wrong postcode area or ones that want to become doctors, that sort of thing. I mean seriously, look at what we have done since 2007. Unfortunately, we can’t allow the next generation to have thoughts like coming of age in a functioning society with a broad-based economy and functioning services, at least not with us in charge’. 

Grade A pupil, Jasmine Knox, who was scheduled to get 6A’s but was marked down for living in Motherwell, said ‘I was meant to go to the University of Glasgow to study medicine, but the way the SNP is running the NHS, I don’t suppose it would have mattered anyway’.